There you are at the alter with your new bride to be listening to the long-winded preacher go through his eloquently prepared speech. He is just about to get to the good part when suddenly, your stomach cramps up and you know…, I mean, you just know that you are about to pass some of the most noxious and disgusting gas imaginable. How you know is easy, because, like an idiot, you went out last night and sowed the last of your wild oats. That means you drank so much that you are still over the legal limit and its been 18 hours since your last drink. You find yourself wishing that Taco Bell did not have an all night drive through and wish you had not polished off twelve of them.

The empty bottle of pink, cherry flavored stomach medicine laying on the bathroom counter will do nothing but add a slightly cherry-ish tinge to an otherwise deadly fume and at this point, the only thing you can do is bend over and clutch your stomach, and your butt cheeks. But you can't do that in the middle of a ceremony that will remain in your wife's keen memory for the rest of your short and painful marriage should you blow wind and kill all the guests on this side of the church.

What can you do to prevent or at least minimize the damage? Here are a few tips at damage control because short of sticking a roll of quarters in a very uncomfortable place, in public, you are about to embarrass yourself.

One thing you can do is cut it loose. Just let it go and then quickly step back and glare at your best man. This technique, known as deflection, is the same technique you used on the school bus as a child when you wanted to embarrass your best friend who is now your best man. He will know what to do if he is still sharp. He will turn and glare at the unsuspecting groomsman next to him. This may actually work if your soon to be wife has the I.Q. of a muskrat and is deaf on the right side.

Another option is to ease it out and pray for a silent passing that is not so potent that it fuses the sand in the beach wedding favors or wilts the wild flowers on the summer wedding favors. A silent passage allows you the opportunity to take a five count before dramatically sniffing the air and looking around as if you smell smoke and are trying to locate the fire.

There are a few things you have to remember when deflecting a butt bomb away from yourself. Fisrt of all, never and I mean never deflect, even in the slightest way towards your new bride. For one thing, she will never forgive you and ca dial a divorce lawyer faster than you can say I'm sorry. Most important, if she does forgive you, which she won't even if she says she will, revenge is a dish best served cold. Women know cold, brother, you don't want to go there. Your apt to wake up on your anniversary with the twins in a sling. You cannot deflect towards the preacher either. Accusing a pastor, rabbi, or priest is out of the question, period. I think that it is a law, written or not.

Your best option is to just grin and bear it. Make your apologies, hope for the best because if she loves you, truly and deeply loves you, she will be embarrassed for you, and forgive you. But don't hold your breath. Well…, you might have to.